Friday, July 22, 2011

Kitties--Gotta Love 'em...

Cuz if you don't, you'd likely strangle them.

I've been talking with friends lately about all the crazy, infuriating things our kitties do.  It would seem that all of our kitties participate in these behaviors, which makes me wonder who is more crazy--the kitties or us.

The aggravating things kitties do, in no particular order, or to be more precise--Ten Ways Kitties Gain Points in the Kitty Game of Life:

1.  Play Death Race (if you've ever seen the movie, you'll know what I mean), using your nice squishy body as a springboard to get more air.  For some reason, it is a Kitty Rule to do this AFTER you go to bed, and they get more points if they manage to bounce off your head (since heads are less squishy).  Even more points if they manage to draw blood in the bounce attempt.

2.  Run in front of you anytime you get up to go somewhere so that their little bodies get intertwined between your legs, nearly making you fall and break your head open.  If you do fall, kitties get extra points.  More points if they manage to make you fall while escaping unscathed themselves.  They secretly high-five later.

3.  Meow loudly to get something, and then when you get it for them, act like they don't want it.  They are really just flexing their mind-control powers.  The problem:  A) you didn't hear their message right (they didn't garble the message--you just got the message wrong.  It's your fault, of course).  B) You brought them the wrong thing.  Or you opened the wrong thing.  Or, you idiot, just plain did the wrong thing.   When they meow or stare intently at you like that, it means they wanted that other thing!  And even if it was the correct thing, kitties must not break form by acting excited about it.  That's what stupid dogs are for.  No, the kitties must act nonchalant --lick, lick, streeeetttchhh-- and decide that if you must put that salmon treat out there, it'll do.  For now.  They really wanted filet mignon, but the salmon will suffice in the meantime.  Extra points for keeping kitty cool; loss of points for getting excited.

And, of course, if kitties can get you to run around in circles trying to make them happy, offering them copious free entertainment, the kitties get points.  The crazier you act, the more points they get.

4.  Kitties will allow you to give them affection.  When they want it.  Usually it is when you are trapped in one place, like on the toilet or when you are trying to take a nap.  .And when they want it and you aren't ready to cough up, be prepared to suffer their wrath.  Likewise, kitties will grace you with their presence by laying their soft warm bodies on you only if they feel you are worthy.

Kitties will turn seeking affection into part of the kitty game by making sure you are doing something important (i.e. your attention is focused on something else) before they decide to bug you.  If you are reading a newspaper, a book, or working on the computer, they will climb on top of what you are working on and stick their asses in your face. That last part is the most important part of the game.  Kitties don't get points unless their butt-holes are placed directly in front of your face. The more you tolerate it, the more points the kitties get.  Later they snicker about how they farted and you just took it, you sap.

5)  Kitties will be annoyed if you pick them up if they aren't in the mood to be held.  (Which in my case, is most of the time.  My kitties detest being held.)  Humans taking initiative in this way Is Not Part Of The Game.  However, clawing the shit out of you so you drop them and making you bleed buckets will help kitties regain lost points from humans taking initiative.  (Likewise for trips to the vet.)

Humans taking control means major loss of points for the kitties.  They must take a time out and ignore you for a while--it's part of the kitty game rules.  Then kitties must work overtime to regain those lost points.

6)  Vomiting on expensive things seems to be a favorite part of the kitty game.  They get more points the more expensive the item is.  True vomit is worth more points than the occasional hairball.  This is a useful kitty strategy after a vet visit.

7)  Peeing on your favorite shirt, especially when it's fresh from the wash, is good for a ton of points in the kitty game.  This is also a useful communication device for kitties to express their displeasure at the new dog (or other pet) you brought home.

8)  Pooping outside the litter box is an integral component of human training.  The best "gentle reminder" for human training is pooping on your bed.   Kitties get more points if they train us to change their litter boxes frequently.

9)  They must bring the victims of their hunt into the house to share their awesomeness with the rest of us.  By setting the critters free and hunting them all over again, sharing with us the narrative on how Badass they really are, they get double points.  Even if kitties are strictly indoor cats, they will still do this with the bugs they find around the house.

10) Showing dominance over other household pets (that includes us humans, by the way) by terrifying them/us is worth many a kitty laugh and, of course, is worth a ton of points in the kitty game.  They keep us in line by attacking our ankles at random intervals.  Also, dropping from a great height onto the German Shepherd's face while he's asleep on the floor is the ultimate in kitty High Comedy.  After doing these things, they brag of their exploits to each other and then the next kitty is egged on to do even worse.

There are other ways for kitties to gain points, I'm sure.  But since I'm not a kitty, I'm not privy to all of their esoteric rules.  I've only mentioned the most obvious ones.

Why do I tolerate these cruel kitty games?  Because kitties are...soft.  And fluffy.  And they purr.  And they're so cute!  And their tongue tickles.  Did I mention they purr?  And they are fun to play with (even if I do walk away with my hands and arms all bloody).  And...I'm a brainwashed masochist?  No.  I prefer to think of it as a symbiotic relationship.  We both get something out of it.  Yeah.  I get fluffy furballs to love and they get points.  That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.